The knowledge of 5 and power of 7

This morning I had the opportunity to speak to an amazing group of women who wanted to learn more about marriage and how to make their own marriages as strong as possible.  I was beyond flattered to have been asked to speak!  Below is the synopsis of my talk with the group. I figured if I put in that much effort for the group group talk, I may as well share it with others so maybe someone else could have a takeaway, too!  I've adapted my speaking notes to blog format to share here. 

Without further ado....the talk.  (For those reading, keep in mind this was an hour presentation with some Q&A & roundtable discussion but hopefully the silent read at home method is still beneficial. And of course- email me questions if you ever want to follow up on anything! Bridgescounselingworthington@gmail.com) 

Good morning!  

I am so excited to be here today and very flattered to have been asked to speak today!  

I think whatwe get to talk about today is important to all of us and I’m excited to havethe opportunity to talk about how we can make our marriages great! 

I believe that marriage is the mostimportant relationship we have (outside of our relationship with God).  Nurturing that relationship and making it themost it can be is so critical to all of life. The stronger our marriages, the stronger we are as individuals, as moms,employees, volunteers, friends, and family members.  I often compare marriage to oxygen masks on aplane.  What do the flight attendantstell you to do in the case of an emergency? Who do we put on the oxygen masks on first? 

{ourselves} 

 Right. Ourselves. And then we can help ourchildren and those around us.  But wemust first put on our own mask to be able to help others and be our best in atime of crisis.  That is what we must doin our marriages.  We must first attendto our marriages in order to be able to excel in our other liferesponsibilities for when the marriage struggles, it has a direct impact on allof life.     

So, what are we going to talk abouttoday?  The marriage discussion could goa lot of different directions depending on where each couple is in theirjourney.  But there are some principlesthat apply to all of us- regardless of if we feel awesome or less than greatabout our marriage. 

Today we will have the chance totalk about love language, things we can all stop and start in our marriage, andthe power of just 7 minutes. 

5 love language 101

When I was planning what to talkabout today, one of my first ideas was to discuss the 5 love languages.  I decided I wouldn’t dedicate our entire timeto this as it’s a pretty popular concept that many of you may alreadyknow.  But I feel it’s a really importantconcept to understand too so we can touch on it a little bit here too.  How many of you have heard of the book The 5love language by Gary Chapman? How many of you have read it? 

OK, great, we have some who arefamiliar with it.

Does anyone remember any of thelove languages?  Throw them out…..

                                  Actsof Service

                                  Gifts

                                  Wordsof Affirmation

                                  QualityTime

                                  PhysicalTouch   

Knowing how you give love but alsohow you receive (or “hear” your spouse’s message) is critical. 

Typically we have a main lovelanguage followed by a close second. This is what makes us tick. It is how we show others we love them.  It’s how we receive love.  And as wonderful as each language is- theydon’t always work for everyone.  We haveto learn how to speak one another’s language! 

For example your spouse may be anacts of service guy.  He goes out onSaturday morning and cleans out your car, washes it, and fills it withgas.  He thinks he is telling you he lovesyou.  But your main love language isquality time so instead of hearing his message, you feel ignored and that youhave yet another moment alone with the kids while he gets to be outside on hisown. He’s confused why you are unappreciative and you’re confused why hedoesn’t understand your frustration.  Neither of you was wrong – but you weren’t speaking the samelanguage.  Speaking the wrong language toone another can lead to trouble.  Youmust learn your own language, share that with your spouse and also learn his soyou can speak to each other in ways you both understand.  Otherwise one of you is speaking Spanish andthe other French.  The result is you bothstop talking because you’re confused.  

I’m passing around the 5 lovelanguage quiz.  We will take the quiz here ourselves and you you can take the copy home for your spouse and figure out how you speakyour love to one another. (TAKE QUIZ HERE: http://www.relationshipcentral.org/sites/relationshipcentral.org/files/attachments/452-chp5lovelanguagescouplesquizrev3-26.pdf)  And then have a conversation about what that looks like for the twoof you!  Also attached is a chart thatshows examples of each language and what to and not to do with each of the 5languages. 

As a side note, there is a 5 lovelanguages of children book that is excellent and I would recommend for all ofus as moms to learn our kids love languages. 

So that is the love languageconcept. It’s a great book that really applies to many relationships – not justromantic relationships.  It’s a quickread I would encourage if you haven’t already read it. 

Now that we know about speaking thelanguages, I wanted to cover today the power of 7 for our marriage.  There are 7 things we each need to stop doingin our marriage and 7  we need tostart.  This concept is based on the bookThe 7 minute marriage solution by Stephen Arterburn.  It’s a really great book- not as quick a readas the 5 love languages- but if you want to go more in depth on any of thesetopics, I would recommend it. 

7 things to stop

1 1. Stopclinging to unrealistic expectations

a.     These unrealistic expectations undermine reality 

                                                   i.     Weall bring unrealistic expectations to the marriage. Sometimes those expectationsaren’t discussed and become heated topics or sore spots for the marriage.  (i.e. dinners together, who will cook, theresponsibility of cleaning, date nights, household management, intimacy, etc.)

1.     What expectations are you holding your spouse tothat they don’t know about? And what do you feel held to and isunrealistic? 

a.     Discussing these is important to allow you toboth know & define what realistic expectations is.  Working toward the expectations of one anotheris important but also letting go of what isn’t  allows you to be balanced in yourrelationship.

b.     The soul-mate model (we have to love being in love more than we love falling in love)

                                                   i.     Wasn’tdating great!?!  The romance. Theflowers. The kidfree dinner conversations and unrestricted time together?Knowing that your mate may not live up to the soul mate description he didbefore the marriage is a critical way to ensure he lives up to the life matedesire moving forward.   

c.     Our mate won’t respond the way our friends would(gender differences, sharing of feelings, emotions and.

                                                   i.     Theywon’t. We can’t expect it.  That’s prettymuch it.  Expecting your spouse to meetevery need you have is unrealistic.  Noone can do that.

2 2. Stopobsessing on the past

a.     This is a big one.  Sometimes we enter a marriage with baggagethat we don’t know is going to unpack itself smack in the middle of our happilyever after.  We have to deal with it butcannot obsess about it.  We all havebaggage- you and your spouse.  We can’tdeny that but we need to build a bridge from the past to our present to allowourselves to walk together into the present and away from the past.  This is true from events, pain or hurt frombefore your marriage or sometimes within. We can’t dwell on our spouses past sexual history or our own scars fromthe past and expect to be present within our marriage today.  We don’t get to be the victim. We have towork through whatever hurt/pain there was and jump with both feet into the present.  

3 3. Stop drowning in suspicion and jealousy.

a.     This is a tricky one that goes very closely with#2.  Suspicion and Jealousy can undermine even the strongest of marriages.  Trustinvolves risk.  I totally understandthat. This is even harder when that trust has been broken. If there is distrustin the marriage, it is critical to take steps to uncover those causes and workto rebuild it. A strong marriage must have trust to succeed.  Jealousy isn't always about another person either.  Spouses can be jealous of work schedules, social time outside of the marriage (fantasy sports leagues, social time with buddies, golf, etc.)  

4 4. Stoptrying to change your mate.

a.     Sounds pretty simple- and it is.  From the way they dress to the way they cleartheir throat after each meal.  Is itimportant enough to nag them to change? It likely won’t change anything except their mood (for the worse.)  Becoming the “fixer” in a relationship turnsinto poison of criticism and judgement. 

5 5. Stopseething in anger and resentment

a.     At some point in your marriage, you’llexperience anger.  I hope you never do-but the reality is- you likely have (or will.) And a reality check here- most of our anger actually is self centered.We get angry because we want the world around us to be ordered in a certain wayand we get angry when that doesn’t happen. We must deal with our anger head on and not use the ineffective strategyof irritation, passive aggressive responses or rage to fight back. 

                  

6 6.     Stoptolerating compulsions and addictions

a.     This could be a book, topic or series all byitself.  Compulsions and addictions aretruly hard to handle – and can break even the strongest of marriages. Some canbe corrected and worked through; others should never be tolerated even to keepthe marriage together.  They can betoxic, dangerous and detrimental. Professional help is necessary usually to truly work through suchissues.  Tolerating them is only enablingthe person to continue to destroy their own life- and your marriage. 

77..  Stopfocusing only on your interests.

a.     While our own interests and values areimportant- we can’t live in a “us only” world anymore.  As moms of young children, we are even lessable to focus on our own interests.  Iknow you’re all thinking you can remember the last show you watched foryourself or shower you had alone without interruption.  I get it. Which is why it’s even moredifficult to sometimes compromise and focus on your spouse’s interest when youdo get the chance to do something that doesn’t involve the little people inyour life.  But to improve your marriage,you must compromise on interests and be passionate about one another’s.

So, that was a whole lot of “stopdoing this” stuff.  No one likes to betold what not to do- but those really are 7 great things we can all remove fromour marriages. Hopefully not every “stop step” applies to you but at somepoint, some of those may sneak their way into your marriage and it’s importantto get them out before they cause trouble. 

But now for the more excitingthings to ensure we are doing (or can start and add to our marriage!)

7 things to start

1.      

11. Startembracing friendship and fun

a.     Be a friend to your spouse.  Have fun! Do the silly things you used to dobefore the kids, mortgage, dishes and carpools filled the schedule.  Go back to the basics.  Finding the fun in your marriage increasesthe intimacy too.  Fun doesn’t alwaysmean spending money either.  Finding a way to havefun without finances (or to enjoy sacrifice spending on something else to savefor an enjoyed experience) is important. 

22. .      Startresponding romantically to your mate

a.     There it is. Sex.  You knew it was going to come up today.  We need to be having sex andintimacy in our marriages.  This is atricky one as some  of you are thinkingyour marriages have a great and healthy level of intimacy.  Others of you are debating what month (oryear?) the last time you were intimate was. Romance is fueled in a marriage when each partner puts the other firstand is attention to their needs. Sometimes that means a backrub. Sometimesthat’s sex.  Other times it’s cuddling bythe fire. 

33.     Startexpressing grace and forgiveness

a.     There is a difference to forgiving and allowingand forgiving and forgetting. Each hurt is unique and doesn’t have aone-size-fits-all approach to it. But in order to move forward, we need topractice grace and forgiveness with our spouses (and they with us!)

44.      Startaffirming your mates strengths

a.     We all have strengths- and they should beaffirmed and appreciated.  In fact,affirming those strengths actually makes us want to be the best we can be andbring out those strengths.  Being able toaffirm the strengths- in spite of the flaws we all have- shows maturity in amarriage.

55.      Startspending money responsibility.

a.     I am pretty biased on this one from twoangles.  One, I see it daily thatfinancial stress is a major cause of marriage problems.  The resentment, anger, living out of onesmeans, debt, and pressure associated with spending money irresponsibility is afrequent topic of conversation in my office. I also am married to a financial advisor and see it lived out and am hearing it dailyat home how important the budget and commitment to goals is.  Having a budget, working together to discussgoals and expectations about money helps to allow the necessities to be paidand the dreams to become a reality.  Forthose who are stay at home moms, this is an especially touchy subjectoften.  I know you work. HARD!  But somehow the paychecks aren’t showing upeach Friday. This can be an emotional conversation sometimes when he feelspressured to keep providing financially and you’re feeling like it isn’tenough. Guilt, frustration and blame can happen during this time.  Honest, calm and productive conversation isnecessary to ensure this doesn’t become a fault line. 

66.      Startpracticing your lifetime vows. 

a.     We all said them. We stood up in front of ourfamily and friends in the big white dress and vowed  a lot toour spouse. We said some beautiful things- things we really meant!  Sometimes we don’t alwayslive those daily.  We get caught up inthe routine, the regret from unrealistic expectations, making risky choices, orbreaking the rules of our vows.  We haveto live them. Daily.  If we were livingand loving our spouse every day the way we promised we would the day we marriedthem- marriage would be pretty darn amazing!

77.  Startshowing respect no matter what.

a.     The sad reality is that people are often morerespectful to strangers and coworkers than they are the most important peoplein their lives.  The sarcastic comments,the negative thoughts, the snappy attitudes, joking about your spouse behindtheir back or complaining to friends about them- it’s all a lack of respect. Itundermines the relationship and makes it difficult to actually respect yourspouse.  When you treat the other personin your marriage with respect there is a good chance it will actually increasethe respect you have for them!

As I mentioned earlier, I believe that marriage is the secondmost important relationship you have – only to your relationship with God.  Having a relationship with God and yourspouse is one of the most powerful ways you can improve your relationship. Havinga mutual relationship with God, your faith and applying it to your marriagehelps you to draw closer to one another- in good times and in bad. The closer each of you is to God, the closer you actually are to one another.

                                  

OK- I know – lots of information sofar.  And I’m biased but I think it’s allpretty important.  That being saidthough, if you remember nothing else today- I want you to remember (and do)this is your marriage.  I’m not askingfor a lot- just 7 minute.  I want you tocommit 7 minutes to your marriage of daily talking with your spouse. The trick?It can’t be about the house, kids, work or schedules. You have to talk to eachother about something else.

 

What else is there you’re thinkingright?! 

Well, on the bottom of your page-write down some things you can talk about with your spouse that don’t involveany of the areas I just mentioned. No kids, no house, no work.  Other topics. Go. I’ll give you a few minutes to think on some things you want to talkwith your spouse about.

(Writing time)

Did anyone have a hard timethinking of anything!? 

You’re not alone. 

A study of 500 couples found the same to be true.  Couples were given an uninterrupted 60 minutedinner and were monitored to see how many minutes they spent talking with oneanother about things other than work/kids/house/schedules.  The results were shocking. 

Time Together	Unmarried	Married w/ young kids	1 year	10 years	20 years	30 years	50 years
Minutes talked over a 60 minute dinner	50	10	40	29	21	16	3

The gray or late life divorce rate is on the rise- thisis the divorce for couples approaching their 50’s.  Typically their kids are grown and out of thehouse.  The couple can divorce for thesame reason a younger couple does (infidelity, stress, financial pressures,abuse) but often the gray divorce cites a lack of connection as the cause ofdivorce. No one did anything “wrong”. Just the couple no longer as a team.  These people often have spent their marriagebeing excellent parents.  They’ve been atevery game, concert, recital and performance. They coached the teams,volunteered in the classroom, gone on the field trips, took the family trips and had a great time as afamily. Until they were alone. And then realized they no longer knew oneanother.  As their roles as parentschanged to being empty nesters they realize that they have been living parallellives and not actually connecting with one another.  

Maybe you have already experienced this in a small dose. Youare so excited for a date night and a chance to get out with your spouse- butwhen it actually happens- you find you are only talking aboutwork/kids/house/schedule.  You don’tconnect with them deeper. Or worse you don’t want to about those things and youhave an awkward dinner. With your spouse! I have a lot of couples that haveexperienced that and it’s a scary wake up call to realize they can’t talk withtheir husband or wife anymore! 

So how do we combat this?  A start is with 7 little minutes.  The challenge is to find 7 minutes/daily totruly talk with your spouse. You can’t talk about the kids/house/work/schedule.It must be an honest connection.  And ifyou’re struggling to have those 7 minutes, practice by starting with a trick.As a question- and then each follow up question must pertain to the previousanswer. 

You may findyourself having conversations with answers you never shared or learned.  7 minutes a day is not a lot to devote forthe most important relationship in your life- committing to this can help tostrengthen your relationship – to build bridges you didn’t know were broken- toshare about yourself- and to learn about your spouse.  7 minutes isn’t that much to improve alifetime of happiness!

With all of the areas we havediscussed today it’s important to realize that these aren’t a one and donedeal.  We have to work on our marriagesdaily. It’s like having a garden – we can’t plant the seeds and expect thevegetables to grow themselves. We have to weed it, water it, tend to thegarden- and repeat each step often. Marriages are gardens.  We mustcontinually and constantly practice bringing our A game to the marriage.